Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
