Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
