I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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