im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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