It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
