so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
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This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
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I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
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