So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
