someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
