Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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