If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
