And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
