Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
