he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
