Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
