how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
