Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
