Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
