My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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