im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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