you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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