chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
