dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
