Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
