Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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