i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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