Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
My bed smells like the plague
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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