Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I understand Curling. That high.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
