can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
My liver just had a heart attack.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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