God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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