I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
