I'm fucking your sister right now.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.