While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
