Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
