paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
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Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
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It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
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