I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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