i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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