they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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