Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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