Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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