so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
