You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
