i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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