im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
