well I can't set my house on fire every night
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
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He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
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The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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