I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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