i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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