Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
