Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
