i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
