To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
