I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." π ππ·
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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