i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
