if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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