i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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