I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
